still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
