drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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