I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
