Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
