apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
