I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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