Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
