before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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