you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
