i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
