finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
