whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
