A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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