On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Semen is not good for contacts.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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