I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
