Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
