It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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