i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
