got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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