smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
