Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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