i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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