just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
