she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
