My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
