1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
