sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
