Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
