Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
