If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
