I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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