You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
