if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
