you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Randomize
