11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
