just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
