next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
