I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
