It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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