Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
wow bdsm is so cute
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
