you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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