I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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