The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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