I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
OPIZZABONMYDICK
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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