It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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