can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
