I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
