Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
