I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
