Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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