Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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