I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
