I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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