he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
