This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
